How do you start one of these things? Ah, I don't give a shit. The funny thing about writing is once you actually start writing it's like all your genius ideas evaporate from your brain. They get smothered in all the laws of grammar and writing that you've been learning your whole goddamn life. It's no surprise people hate English classes for getting bad grades. The harder you try to conform to the class, the worse your grade gets. Ironic - I swear, if everyone would just start trying not to try, things would start getting better. Like this book.
How the hell do I know if any one will ever read this? It's probably shit. Good. I hope this goddamn shit gets published, canonized, and all the poor kids who are in English class can sit awkwardly discussing the secret hidden meanings behind my writing. Good luck kids. I was in your shoes once.
I feel like an old 40-year old saying that. Don't worry I'm not. I just graduated high school. I'd tell you what high school I graduated from but it's better I don't. If this book ever gets popular, I don't want any credit to go to that goddamn school. We'll just call it Roseville Area High, for the sake of calling it something.
Anyway, you don't have to be worrying that I'm some 40-year old trying to give some bull shit lecture or anything. I'm 18, true to God. True to you too. Whatever the hell that means.
The reason it's important you should know I'm not 40 is because I think it's important. Or "because I said so". I hate reading contemporary books targeted for teens that you know are a load of shit. It's because they're written by fucking 40-year olds. After I'm done reading shit like that I just imagine this 40-year old writing teenage sex scenes and enjoying it like some fucking pedophile creeper. Like I said, I'm 18. ...
Every book has sex just like every teenage kid does. Everybody knows it. At least everybody thinks it and every teacher expects it and every parent pretends sex is still a secret and non existent to their child. which, by the way, is a load of crap.
My mom always (I shouldn't say always) (-occasionally?) (never mind we'll just stick with "always" - who gives a fuck) likes to point out how all the teenagers have sex. All the time. Apparently we even have oral sex at the tables in school. Or so her coworker says. What can you do but laugh to something said like that. She assumes every teenager has sex but me. I'm the world's last virgin or something. Even if i was, who cares. I don't give one way or the other. I know I'm not the only virgin. Even if I wasn't one, I'd know I wasn't the only girl who'd been fucked. So what difference does if make?
I've never had a boyfriend either. That makes it a little hard to have sex. Maybe that's why my mom doesn't seem to worry about me so much. Just because I haven't had a boyfriend or had sex don't start thinking I'm some god damned goody-two-shoes-spoiled-rotten-bitch. I've had some close calls before...
...
...
I was always the nice girl, all quiet and shy. I remember Cameron Deuscher once said "Oh Alex, she's too nice". I hated that. And I hated him after that. I always secretly called him Cameron Douche Bag. Only ever to myself. I was too nice. He could have just called me "nice" and all would be fine. But everybody always has to stick that fucking "too" in front and all of a sudden it's a bad thing that I'm nice. I have a feeling I'll never grow out of this fucking "too". Like I'm some goddamn over achiever. That's why I don't have a boyfriend. My mom always said it was because I was weird. I've just discovered she's wrong. Boys don't like girls that are "too" much of something. Maybe they're just "too" insecure.
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In a big group of girls it's like the feminine energy feeds off each other and swells and boils over to consume any sanity left in my brain. Boys might be insecure, but girls are the definition of that word.
Ok...not all girls. For example, this one friend of mine. She's chill and relaxed. She doesn't show when she's giddy and girly. That's what I like about her. a lot of people just think she's a bitch though. I don't think people understand the meaning of bitch. The people who throw that word around about her are probably just too insecure to handle her. It's not her fault. She says what she thinks and means it. She's really sarcastic, too. I think people take it the wrong way. I get a kick out of it.
We always joke about if neither of us get jobs for the summer, then we're starting a circus. Just her and me. We'd have different acts. Juggling acts, balance beam acts, cartwheel acts, and somersault acts. The best act would be the last act. We'd sit in the middle of the arena on two fold out chairs, the spotlights burning down on us. then we'd just talk. Like an improv show, except better. We wouldn't be acting though. Just talking. We have a lot of good sarcastic conversations so no doubt it would be entertaining. We'd blow the roof right off the goddamn building. You'll see.
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(A few excerpts from an old notebook that I just found today. The notebook was titled PreCalculus and I found 8 pages of this jabber. I believe I intended to start drafting ideas for a book but then it turned into a diary. Extremely strange yet delightfully entertaining.)